by Paul Teetor
It’s Taylor’s World; We’re only living in it
The most important person in the sports world – I’m talking about Taylor Swift, of course – will marry her new boyfriend, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce after the Chiefs win the Super Bowl in February.
And she never writes another breakup song.
At least not this year.
But that double dip of happiness will not be the highlight of her year.
No, that comes in October when both President Joe Biden and challenger Donald Trump claim during their one and only presidential debate that Taylor Swift is supporting their candidacy. They almost come to blows arguing over whom she supports.
The press, unconcerned with mundane issues like global warming, war in Ukraine and Israel, and Chinese spy balloons flying over the United States, goes into full-on investigative mode.
Up till now, her constant urging of her fans to register and vote has been non-partisan and she is trying to keep it that way.
Finally, the New York Times breaks the big news: she is supporting Biden on the down low and has secretly donated $100 million to his campaign in the form of VIP tickets to her Eras tour.
But, the Times adds, she is afraid to say that she is supporting Biden publicly because of the very real fear that half of her fan base will turn on her. After all, Trump has already kneecapped Colin Kaepernick’s NFL career, crowned himself as an agent of revenge and retribution, and has half the Republican Party cowering in mortal fear of him.
But now Swift fans who are also Trump fans forsake the insurrectionist-in-chief, shift their support to Biden and prove to be the difference in Biden’s 271-269 electoral college victory.
Taylor trumped Trump.
Trump says he’s happy just to have made a good showing, and graciously concedes late on election night so the nation doesn’t suffer a rerun of the 2020 election aftermath. “I screwed up last time,” Trump says. “And I never make the same mistake twice.”
Then he goes home to Mar-a-Lago, writes a breakup song called “Be There, Will be Wild” and submits it to Taylor Swift, who records it for her next number one hit.
And the Taylor Train keeps rolling on down the line.
The Trump Train?
Crashed and burned.
The James Gang
In April LeBron James and the Lakers loose in the first round of the NBA playoffs, thereby wiping out all the hopeful vibes created by their run to the Western Conference Finals last Spring.
After three weeks of sulking in silence LeBron announces he is not exercising his player option for next season and will become a free agent, free to sign with any team in the world.
Panicked by his shocking move, the Lakers draft his son Bronny James, who never even started a game for USC and averaged 5 points in his one season with the Trojans.
Actually, after that one season he wasn’t regarded as an NBA Prospect by any draft experts. He is just another 6-foot-3 guy, good handle, good shooter, looks like he had good coaching at an early age, who might eventually develop into a good player for a European or Chinese team.
But in June the Lakers draft him in the first round anyway. An hour later LeBron announces he has changed his mind and is staying with the Lakers – but only because the Lakers promised to draft Bryce James in 2026.
LA Times publishes fake sports news and columns
In September Dexter Poindexter, a pajama-clad sports blogger operating out of his mother’s fake wood-paneled cellar, breaks the biggest media scandal of the year: the LA Times sports section has been caught using Generative Artificial Intelligence – in this case CHAT-GPT – to produce game stories and columns without disclosing the practice.
In fact, it is revealed that several sports columnists were quietly fired back in 2022 but agreed to allow the Times to continue using their byline and picture under AI produced columns in exchange for an annual payment of $10,000 and VIP tickets to the Taylor Swift ERAS tour.
The scandal soon spreads, and the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and New York Post all are forced to admit to using AI to produce sports stories and columns under bylines that the public will recognize — to give them credibility.
The common connective tissue: the papers were dying of financial causes, and this was the only way to keep them going. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The next day Dexter Poindexter is hired as the LA Times’ new sports columnist.
Dodgers sign another Japanese legend
The Dodgers shocked the baseball world in December 2023 when they signed Japanese pitchers Shohei Ohtani and Yoshinobu Yamamoto for a combined total of more than a billion dollars. Ohtani, freed up from his pitching duties while his elbow healed from Tommy John surgery, breaks Barry Bonds steroids-aided record of 73 home runs in a single season by smashing 75 dingers. And Yamamoto has a great year, with a record of 25-5 and an ERA of 2.20 while quickly becoming the ace of the staff.
But it isn’t until the Dodgers sign Godzilla as their new mascot in late August that they finally win their 12th National League Western Division championship in the last 13 years.
“He’s a real fire breather,” Manager Dave Roberts gushes when they win the World Series. “We couldn’t have done it without him.”
The Power of NIL (Name, Image and Likeness) money in college sports
In March JuJu Watkins, USC’s star freshman who is averaging 27 points, 10 rebounds and five assists, leads the Trojans to their first ever NCAA title. Still only 18 years old, she turns down a chance to join the Women’s National Basketball Association, where the average salary is $147,000.
“Why should I take a pay cut just to play with the best players in the world?” she says. “It makes no sense.”
USC fans are overjoyed: capitalism has come to college sports.
Resolutions
Many are made, but few are kept. Here are a few we’d like to see kept.
LeBron James: To stop whining to the refs so much. It’s gotten so bad that some haters have taken to calling him LeBaby. He’s the second greatest player in NBA history behind only the great Michael Jordan, but at age 39, as of Saturday, he should be mature enough to stop whining whenever a call goes against him. He’s an exemplary role model in every other respect – work ethic, cultural influence and on and off-court leadership – which makes his constant arguing with the refs even more disappointing.
Mick Cronin: The UCLA men’s basketball coach resolves to stop the Bobby Knight imitation on the sideline. The foot stomping, finger pointing and mean-mugging are simply not working without Jaime Jacquez and Tyger Campbell on the roster anymore. His young players are trying as hard as they can – they’re just not very good. So Cronin resolves to start imitating John Wooden, the legendary UCLA coach who had a simple formula: recruit the best players in the land, teach them how to tie their shoelaces, and guide them with a firm but patient hand to NCAA championship after NCAA championship.
Dean Spanos: After decades of incompetence fueled by his thrifty ways, the Chargers owner had the blind luck to have superstar quarterback Justin Herbert fall into his lap when the first five teams in the 2020 NFL draft passed on him. But he hired the wrong coach to guide Herbert in Brandon Staley, who was fired last month. So now Spanos resolves to hire Bill Belichick as his new coach after New England lets him go for being unable to win without Tom Brady. Herbert is the new Tom Brady, and Belichick is the right guy to guide him and the Chargers to their first Super Bowl title. Spanos vows to spend whatever it takes to land him.
All Ball: He vows to do a better job of covering women’s sports, especially girls basketball, which is getting better and better year by year. The skill level of someone like USC’s freshman star JuJu Watkins, or Mira Costa’s freshman star Kylee Yeh, and the sheer athleticism of US Open champ Coco Gauff, has to be seen to be believed.
Hail and Farewell:
Sports at their best are a lot like music at its best: spiritual, collaborative and requiring great soul to be truly transcendent.
In that spirit we say hail and farewell to Tony Bennett, the sage of San Francisco, Jimmy Buffet, the bard of the beach, and Harry Belafonte, a civil rights pioneer who also gave us the Banana boat song: “Daylight come and I wanna go home. Day O.”
Hall of Famers all.
Contact: teetor.paul@gmail.com. Follow: @paulteetor
